The knight rode proud upon his horse And never did he alter course. He didn't need to use the Force Or draw upon another source, The knight, you see, was worried not; The cardboard tucked beneath his arm Held a very powerful charm That would protect the knight from harm, The Ouija of Shalott. He'd called up Baal the night before, And chatted with that god of yore; Each session he learned more and more Of things no knight had known before-- That board told him an awful lot. This knight you see, he had a dream To be a Dungeonmaster! Seems that he'd been shunned before by teams, The poor nerd Lancelot. So with his board he raced ahead, To the slumber party instead Of staying home alone in bed And watching Raimi's Evil Dead; He even brought along some pot. The fair maid Kaylee looked askance Upon his overzealous lance, But board and hash bought him a chance To party with her lot. She grabbed the Ouija and a glass And passed around a little grass. She was too high to find it crass When Lancelot stared at her ass And told her she was hot. The party guests, they gathered round; At first nobody made a sound. The poor knight's heart began to pound: Would his plan be shot? "Let's call Satan!" Kay chirped brightly As the glass moved ever slightly At first leftly, and then rightly. Lancelot felt very knightly; Man was her ass hot! Very soon the glass was flying 'Cross the board with Kaylee trying To control its crazy scrying. The Ouija of Shalott The ouija spirit filled the room; The air grew colder than a tomb. Kaylee screamed that they were doomed Unless the knight could break the gloom. Damn, thought Lancelot. He racked his brain to find a way To calm the scared and buxom Kay Or at least to get away With a nice bon mot. "Witchboard," mumbled the hapless knight And then his eyes took on a light, For he recalled some useful sights From that horror film that might Save him from his spot. "We must destroy Old Scratch!" he said, And forming a cross overhead, Leaped upon Kaylee's ruffled bed The hallowed sleeping cot. Shouting bravely at the Devil, The knight could not help but revel At Kaylee's bod from this level. She wasn't fat like Aaron Neville. No way dude--she was hot! He smashed the board upon his knee Commanding the Dark Prince to flee, And then he smiled with great glee As Kay joined him on the cot. She told the party guests to go, And Lancelot began to know The girl for whom his lance did grow. Hey, this was better than that show With that Urkel snot. So Lancelot became a man, And all because he had a plan The Parker Brothers board did fan-- The Ouija of Shalott!
By Obiwan, with apologies to Tennyson.
I wrote this for my buddy Brian Bethel one night in a fit of silliness after reading many, many ouija stories. Brian wrote the Black Eyed Kids story, and also maintained a ghost page for quite a few years.
This page (http://www.ghosts.org/ouijapoem.html) last updated April 1, 2005.