Click on the yellow text for some little surprises.
Note to Newbies: As Moral and Tony are the same person. Bjones and Brian are the same person. Fwah and Chris Foix are the same person. Tony and Fwah are not the same person. Neither are Paul and FPW.
Awards provided by Lisa, Tony, Hutch, and Susan
Editing, reassurance, and illustrations provided by Bee
Late night relief provided by Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger
Text binding provided by Hutchie
Balls provided by Neuticles (tm)
Interior Decorating provided by Christopher Lowell
Soundtrack provided by Baha Men (Who let the FWAH out!)
Pointless philosophizing provided by Marc and Brian
Reading material provided by FPW
Boardwalkers mentioned in subject lines: Paul, Lisa, Susan, FPW, BJones, Aphew, Brennor, Mike, Hutch, Marc, Jim Gdog, Michael, Avi, Heidi, Tony, DaveM, Mariah, FWAH
Longest acronym/abbreviation in a subject line: NYTBR [New York Times Book Review] (FPW, July 28, 2000)
Longest acronym/abbreviation mentioned in a message: FPWILSON [The Foundation of Prose Writers Inwardly Loathing Silly Organization Names] (BJones, July 28, 2000)
Most common acronym/abbreviation: FPW
Best awards post: First Annual FPW Message Board Awards (Lisa and Susan, July 28, 2000)
Best off-board email exchange: Mrs. Aloa telling As Moral to stop using her name
Most twisted topic: Pick your favorite death scene (Hutch, August 3, 2000)
Favorite Death scenes: Milo in "Cuts"; Father Bill in REPRISAL; all of "Pelts"
Most intellectual topic(s): "Junk DNA" and the purpose of codons (August 2000)
First Message Board birth: Angus Goody (August 9, 2000)
Why BJones slept with an underaged moose: "It was damn cold." (August 23, 2000)
Kinkiest sex scene: All of SIBS
Best impersonation of an insane drunk person: Hutch. Partial transcript: "WHat? Uh huh, OK Fival,,, yes five, - krush,kil,destroy- yyeees bustblocker msut go a wey" (August 25, 2000)
Biggest mudslinger/dirt digger: Chris Foix, for his "Fan club executive elections" post (August 23, 2000)
Most useful substances: Krazy Glue and duct tape
Most underhanded excuse for a fabulous vacation: Susan's "writer's conference" in Maui
FPW's new favorite show: "Battlebots"
Most missed: Heide Goody
Most likely to karaoke: Tony
Most likely to know lyrics without aid of karaoke: Brian
Most suggestive title of a Boardwalker's project: "Bonesteel" by Mike H.
Most ouch-worthy moment: FPW's dissing of Hutch (Quote: "Hutch, do you realize how much you've just revealed about your psyche?") (September 12, 2000)
Funniest Boardwalker: Tony
Most relevant board nickname (besides FPW): As Moral and Mrs. Aloa (tie)
Most consistent lurker: Mrs. Aloa
Most successful return from last year's lurkdom: Chris Foix
Most likely to be sexually harrassed: Susan
Most inappropriate use of capital letters: JANE for her "LEGACIES" post (September 27, 2000)
Most conspicuous by his absence: Jim Gdog
Least likely to use his real name, because we've already got too many Mikes: Aphew
Best newbie (since last year): As Moral
Newest newbie: Kris
Second newest newbies: Lew and Phil
Boardwalker most dedicated to spreading the word about FPW: Marc B, for "Traps" (Good job, Marc!)
The "Please LOOL make it stop!" Really Very Extra Special Award for Endless Unceasing Redundancy is specially awarded to: The RJ Actor thread
Least favorite director, two years running: Michael Mann
Most likely to invest in the copper pipe industry: Susan
Official shrink drink: Bottled spring water
Boardwalker least likely to need a shrink: [This space intentionally left blank]
Most dedicated Boardwalker in the face of tragedy: Bjones, for letting us know how he was doing even when his son was in the hospital
Most dedicated overseas fan: Dave M
Most likely to besmirch FPW's good name: Gay Ken, Ray Shalom, and Oddjob John (Thanks to Dave M!) of the Anniversary Cycle
Most likely to give English lessons: Lisa
Least likely to give English lessons: Tonto
Message Board PUNK: Marc
Why Repairman Jack isn't gay: "Jack is supposed to blend in, and if he had perfect hair, a fabulous wardrobe and could dance like it was nobody's business then he would sort of stick out." Tony (July 18, 2001)
Everyone's favorite dinner: Corndogs and Coke
Easiest target: justin
Shortest-lasting newbies: John McKenna and Avi
Cleverest use of FPW titles: Hutchie (July 27, 2001)
Most polite: Paul
Best summary of his fellow Boardwalkers: DaveM (July 27, 2001)
Last newbie to use the word "rocks" as a verb: Kris (July 27, 2001)
Most Likely to Never Find the Caps Lock Key: JUSTIN
Most Likely to Never Find the Shift Key in Order to Make Capital Letters: mariah
Most Likely to Kill a Puppy in Order to Obtain a Supergirl DVD: Tony
Most Likely to Spill Beer All Over His Movie Soundtrack and then Pretend it Was His Intention to Make a Film Without Music: Marc
Most Likely to Travel the World and Eventually Settle in Georgia: DaveM (While at the same time) Most Likely to Travel the World and Eventually Settle in England: Susan
Most Likely to Have Been Struck by Lightning More Than Twice and Yet Still Play out in the Rain: Queen Lisa (there's some symbolism here...)
Most Likely to Disappear into the Corn in Indiana: Jim
Most Likely to Think He's Doc Holiday: FWAH
Most Likely to Avoid Questions Asked by Hutch: FPW
Most Likely to Get Fired This Year: Hutch
Most likely to have a nervous breakdown after reading NIGHTWORLD: Susan
Most likely to stay under the radar: Kevin "Information Warrior" Workman
Most likely to shack up together: Brian and Louise, Lisa and Tony (tie)
Least likely to shack up together: Marc and Mariah
Second least likely to shack up together: Tony and FWAH
Most likely to jump off the Sydney Harbor Bridge: DaveM
Best gift: The Chatroom, from Tony
Second best gift: The RJ Hats, from Susan
The Gadsden Flag of the message board: Lisa (as anointed by FPW)
Most startling name change: justin, to JUSTIN
The Queens of the message board/Chatroom: Lisa and Susan
Message Board/Chatroom jester (but surely not a queen): Tony
The world's biggest (and coincidentally, only) Jimmy Buffett fan: Chris Foix
Most in legal need of erasing his hard drive: Hutch
Best FPW fan page: Tony
Best re-release: The LaNague Books
Most influential on FPW's activities: Aphew, for getting him to include the short stories in the LaNague books
Subject line most in need of creative variation: "Question for FPW"
Most egregious use of unnecessary punctuation: John McKenna, for the subject line "Re: 'Conspiracies'??????????" (November 22, 2000)
Best World Fantasy Convention couple: Susan and FPW
Best entry in the never-ending "Which actor for RJ" thread: "Bruce Willis has talent, yet he is too old, IMHO (in my humble opinion) and we dont want to see Jack fight a Rakosh and in the middle of the battle fall down and break a hip! Or after a long day on the town with Gia complain about his knees while he slams a can of ice cold ensure." Tony (December 14, 2000)
Best New Year's resolutions: "1. I will not post on the RJ actor topic 2. I will not answer any posts on the RJ actor topic 3. I will not get crazy when people choose actors that are too old to play Jack." Susan (January 2, 2001)
Biggest insult to the English language: justin
Most likely to psychoanalyze her fellow Boardwalkers: Allyn
Best FPW autograph: The one in Lisa's copy of ALL THE RAGE
Most likely to have sex on the Eiffel Tower: Susan and DaveM
Most likely to have chat sex: Brian and Louise
Least likely to have sex, ever: justin
Youngest Message Board participant: Ethan
Longest post: "The Beast and me," FPW (December 7, 2000)
Most suggestive typo: "Have a peak if you get bored some time." DaveM, to a young female newbie (January 4, 2001)
Favored breakfast cereal: Quake
Lisa's favorite subject line: "Lisa... The Ruby Haired Goddess" Mike Hanson (January 7, 2001)
Message board JACKASS: Mudshark
Most likely to kill anyone who starts another "Actor for RJ" thread: Susan, Lisa, and Tony (tie)
MIA Award: Rev. Pablo and Brennor Matheson (tie)
Subject line most indecipherable to newbies: "Noseless Haiku" Mike H (January 18, 2001)
Most underappreciated post: "A Real Life Matsuo" Tony (January 4, 2001)
Worst suggestion for an RJ actor: Tim Robbins (sorry Mike)
The "Who the hell was that anyway?" Award: Mystery Ink
Most popular pick up line at a medieval slave chain gang: "Not before I get some treasures of me own!"
Special "Shakes his Rumpa and then disappears for weeks from the Chat Room" Award: Aphew (self-nominated)
Least likely to be confused with FPW: William Shatner
Still most likely to be confused with FPW: Paul
Most likely NOT to be a vigilante: Mike Hanson
Second most likely not to be a vigilante: Repairman Jack
Fwah's favorite vigilante movie: Death Wish
Weirdest haiku: "Worker bees can leave/Even drones can fly away/The queen is their slave" T. Durden (April 24, 2001)
Most honest admission of grammar failings: "6. Annonimity, anomominity??? People don't know who he/they are." kb (April 19, 2001)
Most likely to use his kidney stones to make a fancy necklace: Tony
Most suggestive self-referential subject line: "One-eyed Hutch" Hutchie (April 13, 2001)
Shortest nick: kb
Strangest blast from the past: "New Board" (fpw, April 13, 2000... and 2001)
Most mono-syllabic tag team: Scot and Don
Most repulsive yet appealing website url: Fwah's http://communities.msn.com/CheeseburgersinParadiseandCosmicBanditos
Longest mileage out of minor tragedy: Hutch, for the staple gun incident
Favored chatroom reading: The Kama Sutra
Best short story title: Aryans and Absinthe
Newbie most likely to be mistaken for a toy store: kb
Most pervasive Boardwalker personal problem: Break-up of long term relationships
Most prolific writer: FPW
Second most prolific writers: DaveM and Mike (tie)
Bravest writer: Tony
Special Staples-Always-Strike-Twice Award: Hutchie
Most obscure RJ actor suggestion: Guy Pearce
RJ actor suggestion with the most persistently obnoxious supporters: Bruce Willis
The "Where the hell did she go?" Award: Allyn
The Patrick Swayze She's Like The Wind (In our faces or not here at all) Award: Mariah
Most underread newbie: The woman who thanked FPW for keeping his books clean
Most conspicuous by her absence, however brief: Lisa
Most obnoxious flash in the pan: T. Durden
Most Likely to Have Killed T. Durden: Hutch
Black Magic Chocolate eater: Susan
Black Magic Chocolate buyer: Bee
Most questionable sexual urge: "between that last article and the kama sutra thing, I now have this uncontrollable urge have have sex with a severed chicken head in all kinds of erotic positions." Tony, in the RJ chatroom
Most active non-board-participating participant: Bee
Special Tolerance Award for withstanding the Queens' fan worship: FPW
What we should have all done on December 31st, 2000: Pray and cast spells to ward off the upcoming EVEN WORSE year
What we should do December 31st, 2001: Have a New Year's Eve Party at FPW's house
Rhetorical question of the year: "Submitted for discussion & debate: If the world were to come to a sudden stop, how far up F. Paul Wilson's ass would AsMoral's head go?" The Question Man (March 12, 2001)
Brilliant political statement of the year: "Rape Bothers Me..." AsMoral
Equally brilliant follow up political statement of the year: "It is a scary thing..." Lisa Krause
Least likely to receive HOSTS shipped directly to mailbox: Hutch (See: "What would Jack Do" thread)
Most likely to be mistaken as a disgruntled former employee of David Letterman: Mike Hanson (See: any of Mikes top ten lists)
Most likely to be mistaken for a 15 year old nymph: Marc
Most likely to be mistaken for a 15 year old: Lisa
Most conspicuous by absence of a nose: Susan
Least likely female to be cast as Jack: Angelina Jolie
Most likely Female to be cast as Jack: Hallie Kate Eisenberg
Best post from Hong Kong: DaveM (June 23, 2001)
Lamest attempt at a kewl screen name: W$
Most relevant piece of artwork: The chatroom poster
FPW's most eloquent reply to a detractor: "Maximum Overdrive"
Most appropriately named book finder site: abebooks.com
Most long-winded debater: biLL/W$
Most Likely to Have Their Posts on the Board go Unread: biLL
Recipient of the most gifts from fellow FPW fans: Susan
First annual "Boy to Man" award: FWAH, for (finally!) getting his dental license. Congrats Chris!
Official Lurkers: Blake Dollens, Kevin Workman
Semi-lurker we wish would post more often: Michael
Newbie most likely to become a regular: kb
Boardwalker who moved the farthest: Lisa
Boardwalker who traveled the farthest for business or pleasure: FPW (New Jersey to Italy) and DaveM (England to Australia) (tie)
Best superhero: Supergirl
Best parody: "THE KEEP: A disaster caught on film" Tony and Lisa
Weirdest trend: New answers to threads that died months ago
The story that won't die: "Aftershock"
Most illustrative example of how the RJ board is contributing to the downfall of its regulars: The porn name thread (July 2001)
Best porn names: Ebony Bonsiero and Fluffy James (tie)
Most welcome return from the dead??: Justin
"Staple This!" Horror-Comedy about a public school teacher who cracks under the strain of daily life and finds his revenge by using the implement nearest at hand. Directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans.
"Paris in Wintertime" A young Englishman and his married female "friend" travel to France to "see the sights." Brief artistic nudity. Completely separate views of the Eiffel Tower. Directed by those Merchant-Ivory guys.
"F. Paul and Me" A rabid fan offers his favorite author a "phew" ideas... and the author uses them! Documentary directed by Michael Moore.
"Chat Lola Chat" Cameras follow several different people as they rush about their daily business in a mad dash to make it home in time to chat in their favorite chatroom. Will they heed the Siren Call in time?
"Some of my Best Friends are..." Karaoke-singing, fast-quoting, cross-dresser-dating, government-wage-slaving writer hopeful bursts onto a message board and teaches his new pals the meaning of life. Even the Christian rock ones. Rated PG-13 for occasional mention of unmentionables. Directed by Kevin Smith.
"Flak Wind" Various strangers with agendas strut onto a message board and hold dialog with the close-knit group of regulars. They don't strut out. Rated R for graphic violence and language. Directed by Paul Verhoeven.
"The Long brb" Man wanders away from the computer and finds himself caught in a web of torpor. Directed by Marc Buhmann. Rated G.
Number of posts with the word "staple" in them: 33
Number of posts by FPW: 240 (give or take a few)
Number of posts mentioning Michael Mann: 35
Number of posts mentioning Michael Mann in a positive light: 1
Number of subject lines named "Question for FPW": 38
Number of Top Ten lists posted by Mike: 10
And last but not least, our final, most prestigious award, and a most appropriate way to end this year's Awards post...
"So, you should simply shut the hell up and hope one of these people don't hunt you down and castrate you. They take their FPW very seriously." Phil to W$ (July 1, 2001)
I've got a bad feeling about this...