The GU kicked off on Friday. I minded Tony's home and let my kids eat all of Tony's mom's food while Tony ran around picking people up from the airport. I had arrived the previous night and slept in Tony's mom's trundle bed, which I must say is quite comfy. I met my GG at last when I awoke in the morning, and soon after he left to pick up Marc, who arrived around 9AM.
My GG returned with the Gladiator a couple of hours later. Hollis and Annika (Lisa's children) immediately saw a friend in Marc and demanded that he fly them around like airplanes. He could do nothing but comply, of course.
The next to arrive was Susan, who brought presents for the kids and smiles and hugs for everyone else, and then Dave, who brought us the Nightworld Chronicles, the tribute book we made for FPW. Somewhere in there Mike arrived bearing the infamous binders, which contained an amount of printed material roughly equivalent to the Bible, the Encyclopedia Britannica, and the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary combined. I brought the t-shirts and Coke glasses, Tony provided dinner and a schedule for our weekend, and Marc came equipped with a pack of cigarettes and a talent for mispronouncing two-syllable words. The GU had begun.
After a delicious dinner provided by Tony's mom, who is an awfully patient person to put up with us, we repaired to the hotel for some idle chitchat. I remained upstairs with my wee tikes while everyone else went down to do karaoke. Around 2AM Susan stumbled into our room proclaiming her sobriety, then went straight to bed. I am sure the boys were not so graceful as my co-Queen.
Saturday was the big day--our meeting with The Man. In the morning we all had breakfast at the four star restaurant (ahem) in the hotel. Marcus was disgruntled at being woken up at the unconscionably early hour of 10AM, but he got over it after smoking 8 or 10 cigarettes. Mike was kind enough to lend my little waifs a breakfast voucher so they wouldn't go hungry. Now if that isn't friendship, I'm a radio-ologist.
Before the big dinner with Effy, we wandered over to the Inner Harbor area of Baltimore to have a late lunch (thanks, Mike) and pick up a couple copies of HOSTS. My children were naughty in the bookstore and I remained disgruntled for half an hour or so until Tony recommended some herbal tea. I didn't have any, but the thought of it worked like a charm. We took some pictures of big historical boats, and tackled another tourist to take a group shot of us around a cannon, then headed back to the hotel so Susan could pretty herself up for F. Paul Wilson.
After waking up Mike, who had somehow fallen asleep in his room from the anticipation of meeting FPW, we caravanned to the Bayou Blues restaurant in Baltimore. There was some initial cornfusion, but eventually Marc and Tony retrieved a compliant FPW from the bar and brought him to our table. In an effort to abbreviate things, I have reconstructed the conversation in abridged form.
FPW: Hello.
Everyone: *GAWK* *STARE* Uh... hi!
Susan: I'm Latina! I know Spanish! So does Lisa!
FPW: Really? Can you speak it?
Lisa: No.
FPW: So, are you having a good time?
Marc: Uh... yeah?
Tony: EVERYONE IS SO GREAT!
FPW: Could you pass me the quesadillas? They are so good. Aren't you going to eat some?
Susan: I don't like spicy food. I'm a Latina! I speak Spanish!
Hollis: But I wanted a cheesburger Mommy!
Marc: So...
Annika: I have to peepee Mommy.
Lisa: Susan and I are roomies.
FPW: Is that so?
Susan: Yes, it is so. I'm Latina!
Lisa: Susan is like my lesbian lover.
FPW: Annika has two Mommies.
Tony: THIS IS SO GREAT!
Susan: We want to live with you in your new house, Paul.
FPW: Sorry Susan, my daughter is allergic to Mio.
Marc: Um... I'm not a Tard.
Mike: Gibber gibber gibber...
FPW: I have to retool the first part of the new Jack book.
Susan: Do you rewrite your first three chapters like 27 times?
FPW: Uh, no.
Lisa: Hollis, stop picking your nose.
Marc: What did you ask, Lisa?
Mike: Gibber, gibber, gibber...
Susan: I speak Spanish! I'm from Colombia.
Tony: LET'S MAKE LIKE A FETUS AND HEAD OUT!
FPW: Good idea. Hey, I booked a room at your hotel and I'm going to hang out with you tonight.
Everyone: *STARE* *FAINT*
As you can see, it was a memorable evening. After the dinner FPW came back to the hotel with us. Tony and Effy went on a beer run while I put my darling children to bed. We set up in Mike's room and everyone kindly took turns watching the kids so we could all spend quality time with The Man. I will not cleverly reconstruct that conversation. It is best left to the imagination. Suffice it to say that Halloween fetus buckets, rabid dogs, religion, and rape were all discussed. Around midnight (adjusted for daylight savings time) we all went to bed, even though Mike had sixty more questions for FPW.
Sunday morning we all received a phone call from Mike at 8:00AM asking us if we were ready for breakfast yet. After hanging up on him and sleeping for two more hours, we decided to bring the Brit to IHOP for an all-American breakfast. We returned to the hotel afterwards to fight over the books FPW had given us (NIGHTWORLD in Russian is quite a read). Exhaustion ensued, so we hung around in our (mine and Susan's) room for a few hours, discussing what we could do for fun and then not doing it. Finally in late afternoon we loaded up the Mystery Machine and journeyed into the wilds of Pennsylvania to go scare ourselves at a place called "Jason's Woods." As it turned out, Tony was the only one who got scared, and by a monkey of all things. Life is strange.
Monday morning Tony and Mike kindly brought me to the train station, then while helping me load my bags kindly got stuck on the train with me as it started to pull away before they could get off. Mike, apparently under the mistaken impression that he was in a 1950s western film, cast about desperately for an emergency cord to pull. Alas, as this is the 21st century, there wasn't one, and Tony and Mike were forced to ride with me to the next stop. It wasn't a total wash though, as they got the unique once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of seeing the beautiful countryside of... Delaware. As revenge, Mike later forced everyone to watch another one of his student films. Oh my. Too bad I missed it.
All in all the GU was great fun. The chance to meet and chat with FPW was great, but the best part was hanging out with all my best RJ friends. See you next year, guys.
"You've never had a biscuit before?!"
"Pull the cord!"
"Improper penetration."
"M. Tard Buhmann"
"Let me explain the multiverse..."
"Let's make like a fetus and head out."
"Do the Scottish accent again, Dave!"
"Did you know I was a prostitute?"
"You are not to mention that book EVER AGAIN."
"Larnyx."
"I went on a beer run with F. Paul Wilson!"
"There's another Stuart tape! Just let me find it..."
"Who's Bee?"
"Wow, our book is so cool!"
"Wow... these binders are so... heavy."
"You looked like a rabid dog."
"Are we there yet, Tony?"
"We're not lost! I know where we are. I just don't know where we're going."
"Is the car on fire?"
"I don't think Lisa likes me."
"Question number one for $200. Do you want to press your luck?"
"Cooard!"
"I think I chipped a tooth on this muffin, Lisa."
"Oh my god! We hung out with F. Paul Wilson!"
"Sorry you're sick, Mike. Can we borrow the walkie talkies?"
(Send me more quotes. I can't possibly remember them all.)