January 30, 2001
In a decision that stunned outsiders but surprised no one in the movie industry, up-and-coming actress Hallie Kate Eisenberg has won the coveted role of Repairman Jack. Eisenberg, most famous for playing "World's Most Annoying Child" in the Joy of Cola Pepsi ad campaign, beat out a high-profile group of hopefuls for the part. Rumored to have tried out for the part in vain are Bruce Willis, Nic Cage, Kevin Spacey, Ed Norton, and Kevin Costner.
"Hallie just walked into the audition and stunned everyone," says one insider. "Even though she's female and only 4 feet tall, her presence literally filled the room. She owned the role from the start." Since Eisenberg is only eight years old, producers will have to work around child labor laws. "Luckily with the strike coming up, Hallie will be able to squeeze in an extra year of school and thus be able to concentrate wholly on the film," says her agent. "And with her youth, she'll be able to grow into the role and turn the Repairman Jack character into a real franchise." Eisenberg herself was out at recess and could not be reached for comment.
When informed of the casting choice, author F. Paul Wilson, the creator of the Jack character, exclaimed "Good God and a half," adding as an afterthought, "Who's directing again?" He has not been able to be reached since, and was last seen speeding towards the Jersey Pine Barrens with a cider jug hanging out the window of his car. Authorities are reluctant to follow.